Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
