His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
