Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
