ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
