She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
