There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
