She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
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