Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
