You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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