She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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