The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
