Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
