why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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