That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize