He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
