Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
