His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
