Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
