Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
