So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
