4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
