We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
We need a shit load of segways right now
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
