My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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