Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
