I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize