I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
