don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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