i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
