No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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