I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
