who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize