areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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