ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
