I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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