Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
