I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
