I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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