he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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