hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
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