I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
