he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize