my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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