my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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