so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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