i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
