Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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