i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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