There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
