A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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