Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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