Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
