when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
