we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize