dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
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