everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize