Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
