dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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