so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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