Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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