I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
