if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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