My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
