Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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