Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I AM VODKA MAN
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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