Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
