he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
