Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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