I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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