There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
